Look out Old MacDonald, there is a runaway truck coming straight at you!

It is another everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink, keyword app name for the Windows App Store by AppStream Studios… but that doesn’t mean Animal Transport Simulator 3D – Farm Truck Driving has to be a bad game, right?

Well no, it doesn’t.

(But it is).

A new innovation! Off-screen virtual buttons

The one advantage to these crazily named games is that I know what I’m getting into from the start. Animal Transport Simulator 3D – Farm Truck Driving, is a simulator that involves transporting animals and the truck I am driving is probably a farm truck. It’s 3D too, if you open up the definition to muddy grey polygons.

Unfortunately, while this “game” tries to capture the meditative joy of titles like American Truck Simulator, it is a buggy and ugly pile of manure. Just a few feet in front of your truck the world blurs, the motion is sickening, and it outright refuses to display at full screen on the devices I tested it on.

It is that last one that is the real killer. The onscreen buttons that “control” the action still think they are where they would be if the visuals filled the display. Not impossible to overcome, thanks to a limited number of controls, but frustrating.

Its a self-drive truck… kind of

I do have to admit that my total time with Animal Transport Simulator 3D – Farm Truck Driving was brief. I completed the first tutorial section easily, politely driving my truck forward and maneuvering it into the glowing parking space.

Then I accidentally hit restart (see my note about buttons being in the wrong place), and my second run did not go well. Suddenly the accelerator would not activate and the reverse was suck. Back I want, until I reached an invisible wall and flipped. I quit and thankfully started the second stage.

Here I started as a horse. Really. Controlling the beast with an onscreen stick, I lead it on to the truck. This was mercifully easy and – by comparison to everything else I went through – the best part of the game. Once safely aboard the trailer though, everything went downhill. Stuck in a right turn my truck automatically accelerated around in ever increasing circles until I began passing harmlessly through buildings. And then I uninstalled the app.

Manure, I hate manure

I honestly can’t tell if Animal Transport Simulator 3D – Farm Truck Driving is a joke. From the horrible visuals and controls, to the laughable “handbrake button” and the option to pay to remove ads, this game stinks worse than the animals it simulates transporting.